There is hope! Sean and I met with Dr. Gilbert at Perinatal Associates last Wednesday to discuss our options for future pregnancies. I am a candidate for the TAC (Trans abdominal cerclage). This procedure is not common and for most woman like me it is a last resort to prevent future losses. Similar to the trans-vaginal cerclage the TAC is placed through the abdominal and is permanent.

Recap, I previously had the trans-vaginal cerclage placed at 19 wks due to cervical incompetence. This diagnosis is rare (occurs in only 1-2% of all pregnancies) and usually is not detected until a woman has experienced a loss during her second trimester . My cerclage failed resulting in premature labor at 24 wks. After experiencing much devastation over the loss of our first child and a 95% success rate we know a TAC is our last option. My surgery is scheduled for March 5 and I am looking forward to many future miracle pregnancies.

I found a great link from Channel 7 news in LA covering a story of a woman who had a successful TAC. Her story touches home. Thought I would share being a strong advocate for this procedure.

http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?section=news/health&id=6608988

I've had much time to reflect on what has happened over the past few months. Spent 5 weeks on bed rest, 3 at home, 2 in the hospital, lost our first born at 24 weeks premature and 3 weeks later my Grandma Huny passed away.

I've felt sad, angry, jealousy, fear and guilt...it's like riding the emotional roller coaster that never stops. Most of these feelings have subsided but of course they will never truly go away. I've found comfort through many things; therapy, writing, religion and stories of women who share the same experiences.

I've thought long and hard about my Catholic roots. I say this because my Grandma Huny was a devoted Catholic. As I watched Huny prepare herself for the next journey in her life I saw no fear only comfort and acceptance. She had something to believe in to help guide the way. As my journey through life is different at this very moment I too must believe that GOD has a plan for Sean and I. Believing helps me put one foot in front of the other each and every day.

I've learned so much from what has happened...one that many may not understand and that is ok. We should appreciate life and the people that surround us. They are gifts! I don't want to sweat the small stuff. I want to embrace the things that truly make me happy like Sean (my hubby), family and friends, Zoey and Sadie (my two labs) and most of all...Life.

I welcome 2010. It's all about new challenges and a happy and healthy new year.

Only The Best

God saw you getting tired,
and a cure was not to be,
so He put His arms around you
and whispered, "Come to Me."

With tearful eyes we watched you
suffer and saw you fade away;
although we loved you dearly,
we could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating,
hard working hands now rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best!

In loving memory of Grandma Huny 12-22-09 and Grayden Patrick Tomlinson 12-1-09

Goodbyes Are Never Easy

Just returned home from saying goodbye to my Grandma Huny (Margaret) as she makes her journey to heaven. First it was the passing of our son Grayden and now Huny. I am trying my best to embrace these moments as I did with Grayden. I sat in the room next to Huny's bed, holding her hand telling her I loved her and to watch over Grayden in heaven.

Huny is an amazing women. Her sweet, strong and loving personality will always be remembered. She is a fighter that's for sure! And my Papa...a man so devoted to his wife for 62 years, most people only dream about a love like this but I am lucky enough to see it.

I thank you Huny for inspiring me to be the person I am today. I will remember all the wonderful memories we made together. I love you forever. Now it's time to say goodbye. Peace be with you. Love your Grandaughter Juls

Just My Thoughts

I decided to continue my entries hoping this will help the healing process. Yesterday was rough Sean went back to work. I found myself crying throughout the day. The reality has hit that I am no longer pregnant and it hurts.

My husband has been amazing. I tell him we are a team and we will get through this together. While in the hospital Sean and I were scared that what we experienced would cause resentment towards each other but it has only made us stronger. Each day presents a promising future, although I do not know what is in store I can only hope for the best.

Hello Meets Goodbye

The unexpected happened a week ago Tuesday...I went into labor at 24 weeks. Baby Grayden was too young and passed away.

The doctors prepared us for the worst. We stayed positive and were determined to make it to at least 26 weeks but I guess God had a different plan. I keep asking, "why did this happen to us" but realize there is no true explanation. All I know is that baby Grayden is in a better place. He will forever be our angel.

We were blessed to meet our little angel on December 1, 2009 at 11:38 am. Sean being a proud Daddy held him until he passed away. Baby Grayden was perfect. Words cannot describe that amazing feeling when we met him. The nurses made a wonderful memory box with pictures of Grayden wrapped in his blanket and knit cap, 3-d sculptures of his little hands and feet and yes they were so tiny about the size of my thumb.

Having gone through this has made Sean and I stronger people as individuals and as a married couple. It's amazing to see your partner stand so strong. I tell him he is my rock and I love him more and more everyday. Sometimes you do not know your own strength until you are truly tested.

Everyday brings a new meaning. All I can do is hold on to the strength and hope inside my heart. Thank you friends and family who have been a wonderful support system. We love you.

Two Months and Counting

Update...baby Grayden is doing well and I am finally adjusting to my stay in the hospital. The nurses and doctors are the best around. We are in good hands. A little sad tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I will not be home...but I have many things to be thankful for. We are shooting to make it to 32 weeks around Jan 22 but if we can make it longer I am ok with that. A huge thank you to all my family and friends who have come to visit, you make the time go by fast. Happy Turkey Day to all. Hugs.