37 weeks and 2 days

Well we made it this far. Only 5 days left until we meet Bryce...so very excited. There will be lots of little newborns around for the holidays. My sister in law will be having her triplets any day now too. Feeling pretty good these days but will definitely not miss the little complaints of pregnancy. My hands are permanently swollen and numb, it is hard for me to type and write! My feet and ankles are not so bad...I've seen worse. Oh and I can't forget I have this weird numbness on the right side of my stomach. Ahhhh....the joys. But it is all worth it in the end. Once Bryce arrives I'll be sure to post pics on my blog. Will be about a week since I will not be coming home from the hospital until Christmas Day. What a wonderful present this year....to spend it with our newborn. Life is good! Merry Christmas everyone and God Bless. xoxo

36 weeks

Only 14 days left...woo-hoo! I've been so horrible about taking belly pics throughout this pregnancy so I managed to take one myself...it was a little difficult. We also finished the nursery, pics are posted below. Enjoy!!

Grayden's Angelversary December 1

It was a year ago yesterday that we said hello and goodbye to our first son Grayden. To our little man there is not a day that mommy and daddy do not think of you and wonder what you would be like today...crawling or walking and getting into everything I am sure. But for now you continue to watch over your younger brother Bryce. One day he will know all about you and the gift you gave our family. My love will fly to you each night on angel wings until then sweet dreams my little man. I love you.

32 weeks and 1 day

It's all down hill from here folks! We had a little scare on Sunday and Monday having contractions and cramping which is definitely normal but scary at the same time especially with my history. So the doctors sent me to Labor and Delivery for further monitoring. Yes I was having contractions but they were not laboring contractions, just Braxton Hicks but they still ordered bed rest from here on. They also ran the Fetal Fibronectin test to see if I would go into labor in the next 2 weeks and it came back negative...which is great since there is a history of early labor with my mother. I had my follow up appointments yesterday with Dr. Gilbert and Dr. Hays...both agreed bed rest should be enforced for the remainder of the pregnancy but at least they lightened my restrictions. Meaning I can leave the house for short errands but no shopping and adventurous outings until after baby arrives. Our goal right now is to make it to 34 weeks...with a little help of some visterol I can do it..lol. Overall the doctors are not worried as we are in a safe zone. Of course I want our little man to bake for at least another 2 weeks to avoid time in the NICU and for lung development but when your body is ready there really is no stopping it. So now it's a waiting game until December 22.

I have to say I can't believe how the time has flown bye and in less than 6 weeks baby Bryce will be here. A very bittersweet moment as December approaches. My c-section is scheduled on the 1 year anniversary of my Grandma Huny's death. It still makes me very sad that I cannot share this time with her in person as I know she was so looking forward to this very moment just like we all are. I find great significance that the doctors chose December 22nd, it truly means something to me. We will also remember our little angel Grayden on December 1. Our first son who has changed our lives forever. Yes the past year has had it's challenges but strength and love has brought us where we need to be today and I am thankful beyond words for that. We are very excited to meet Bryce. It's just another step in the right direction for us and our families and we cannot wait to share our success story with all of you.
Remember that the trials and tribulations we experience throughout life only make us stronger people and that strength will turn into compassion for the life that has been given to us.

26 weeks and 3 days

Well I am going on 27 weeks this coming Wednesday. What a blessing. I've never made it this far and so I am starting to feel what it is really like to be preggers. It's been a rough couple of days...experiencing some mild cramping and discomfort which scares me a little but I am sure it is just my uterus making more room for the little one. I am finding the little things I am used to doing are now becoming a struggle, which I know is going to drive me nuts. I just need to take it easy for another 11 weeks...I can do it!! Continuing to take my progesterone shots and will do that until week 36. Hoping we can make it to our scheduled c-section date without experiencing preterm labor. Thinking positive thoughts.

It's a doozle!! -- 22 weeks and 5 days

Yup, that's right most of you already know..we are having a BOY again! It's a good thing we didn't buy too many pink items. I have to say I was a little bummed when the doc said "are you sure it's a girl"...well I don't know you tell me! I guess 15 weeks was a little too early to verify the gender...I just had to laugh. Any more curve balls you want to throw at us doc? You just have to laugh and appreciate the moment. At our 19 1/2 week appointment when they usually determine the gender...baby Tomlinson was not cooperating that day so we didn't get a peek and of course we never really questioned anything. I have to say when they first said it was a girl I was really surprised...all along I knew it was a boy.  Boy or girl I am so happy that my pregnancy is healthy. Baby Grayden really wanted a little brother he can watch over from heaven. I truly believe things happen for a reason in our lives good or bad they make us stronger and if anything more appreciative of life and the blessings we are given. So now it's time to think blue/green...I still can't stop thinking about bows and tutu skirts...geesh! Now it's on to finding a new name...I have to save Addysen for my little girl I hope to have one day...I just love this name! As for right now he is known as Baby Tomlinson. When I go back in 3 weeks for another check up they better not tell us it's a girl...I highly doubt it but I just have to laugh thinking about it.

Oh and for all my abbysisters...my cervix is measuring about 4 cm...great length wouldn't you say! This time last pregnancy I was on bed rest in the hospital fighting for baby grayden's life!! It feels so flipping good to be were I am right now. For a moment a woman who has been through what I have been through questions if that day of bringing home a baby would ever come. Staying positive and optimistic has gotten me this far. Still a long road a head but we are past the half way mark and December is not that far away.

Yay for BOYS!!!!

Letter from a Bereaved Mother

I had to share the following letter because it is most certainly true and explains a bereaved mothers thoughts and feelings to a T!

After experiencing some hurts along this long, winding, very bumpy, pot-holed, under-construction road of sorrow, I decided to write this letter. I wrote it on OUR behalves as I have gathered such insight from other baby loss moms as well. Feel free to use it in any way you see fit- if it fits for you and certainly take liberty to omit or add to. I just needed to get this off my proverbial chest. =)



Dear family and friends of the bereaved mom,


This letter was written to help you respond in a healing way to the bereaved mom in your life. First, to inform you that you cannot possibly give advice to the grieving mother unless you too have lost a child. Even then- what worked for you may not work for her, so tread lightly. Please do not say anything more than the following statements which have been approved by bereaved mothers: I am so sorry. I am thinking of you. I am praying for you. My heart breaks for you. I wish there were something I could say or do to bring your baby back. This really sucks. This is so unfair. I am here for you. If you want to talk I will listen. Please only say the last two if you mean them. Please call and ask how she is dealing with the loss 3,6,9 and 12 months later and simply say you are thinking of her. It is important to remember the birth/death day, send a note or card if you are not comfortable with a call. She is still grieving, she has not gotten over it and she will never "get over it."If you have left a message and she has not responded please do not mention to her that she isn't getting back to you. She needs to know you are willing to listen and comfort, but also not feel pressured to return messages. She will reach out when/if she needs you. She will appreciate the gesture. Do not be afraid of her tears, they are cleansing to her, and you will not make her mad for asking about the child she continually thinks about and misses. Please do not expect anything or need anything from her for at least 6 months to a year (everyone grieves in a unique way this is just a guideline). And by expecting/needing anything this includes attending any family or special gatherings, especially holidays and baby showers or any place there may be a baby. Simply extend the invite and leave it at that. This also includes your need to be there for her, your feelings may be hurt if she doesn't come to you. Find a way to get past it without her knowing. Let her off the hook if she says she will be somewhere and she changes her mind and cancels. You cannot take her decisions personally! Do not go into great detail about someone else's new baby, if she wants to know she will ask. If she and her significant other plan to "try again" you will know IF she tells you, this is not an appropriate question. Don't ever assume she has other people supporting her. Don't think you have nothing to offer. She may be all alone in her grief with no one to talk to, the only way you can know this is by contacting her. When speaking of her child use his/her name, it is important to recognize him/her as a person. If you are close to her and someone who is not continues to ask about how she is doing, encourage the individual/s to reach out to her. If the individual does not, keep your statements vague in order to protect her privacy. And do not tell her all about how this individual keeps asking specific questions about her (she doesn't need to know that so-and-so keeps asking if you are still crying all the time and won't call to offer her condolences). This is called gossip, no one likes being talked about and not to. It is a wise idea to do some research regarding the loss of a child. There are many books, websites, blogs, ministries and gifts available that will help you learn how to respond to a grieving parent. And better yet ask the bereaved mother in your life how she would prefer to be comforted, she may not know, especially if it is a very recent loss. She will appreciate you asking and there is nothing wrong with admitting you don't know how to act. There was a time when she didn't know what it was like to be in the shoes of a mother without her baby to hold. And finally, avoidance is NOT the best policy. Despite what you may think she knows you are avoiding her and chances are that hurts her more than you saying the wrong thing. Again use the aforementioned statements or resources. Not saying anything can be interpreted as an attitude of indifference. It can also make you look like a coward. I cannot apologize if this letter seems too harsh or uncomfortable for you. The emotions a mother feels are harsh and uncomfortable and for months at a time. The last thing she needs is someone she loves making her feel worse by your words or actions. I do hope that the manner in which I wrote this letter does not tempt you to dismiss the content.


Thank you for reading and being a support to us.


Sincerely, Audrey's bereaved mom

19 weeks and 2 days

We have successfully passed our milestone!! This time last pregnancy I was preparing for an emergency cerclage and on bed rest. This is an amazing feeling. My cervix is holding strong and long...4.2 cm!! The TAC is a miracle. As I have voiced this before, any woman who is contemplating getting a TAC I am here to tell you it is worth it a million times over. I am no longer feeling anxious about my pregnancy and know that I can truly enjoy this special time in a woman's life. To all my Abbylooper sisters you have inspired me and I thank you for that....you are all an amazing support group. Especially in times when others do not understand the pain and tears. I hope the TAC procedure will become widely known and accessible for all woman! God Bless our little angels in heaven and the miracles in our tummy.

It's A Girl!

I am 16 weeks and 3 days today and we are having a girl! Sean and I swore up and down we were going to have another boy. When we both heard the news from the doctor I of course was so very excited and all Sean saw were dollar signs. I turned to him and said you better watch out she is going to be daddy's little girl! I know this because I come from a family of all girls. Someone said to me today, "Oh you are having a girl? It's the year of the tiger she will be a feisty one"....if so then we'll have our hands full. Maybe it's payback from when we were younger. Anyways, We are so very excited for the special day to come. Everything else looked great!! My cervix is measuring 4 cm which is normal....yes I said normal! So happy to hear those words. I have another doctors appointment in a couple of weeks looking forward to seeing our baby girl!!

Addysen Marie Tomlinson

Yay! 14 Weeks

Names In the Sand

I am so very thrilled to see our son's name in the sand.What a beautiful tribute to Grayden. Thank you so much Carly!! You can visit http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2010/06/grayden-patrick-tomlinson.html to view the photo. Brings tears to my eyes!!

11 weeks

Tomorrow I will be 11 weeks. Gosh, the first trimester is flying by. I had two visits last week and both went well. We listened to the baby's heartbeat, it's like music to my ears. Love it! So far my pregnancy has been great, no complaints. Second trimester I welcome you with open arms.

I'm so thankful to be where I am today, not that I had any doubts. Weeks 16-28 might be a struggle mentally and physically...but I am up for the challenge. As I have said before never give up hope, sometimes that's all we have to hold onto. Good things will come.

I leave you with my favorite quote and one to live by ladies!! "Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts. That's what women are made of. The heck with sugar and spice."

Imprints of Grayden's little feet....

Mommy thought of you today but of course that is nothing new. To my sweet little angel...I miss you.

A Little boy
A special friend
A little fighter
Right to the end.
Gone from our lives
But not from our hearts
We'll keep you there always
Like we have from the start.

Update/8 Weeks Today

Yesterday we had our 8 week ultrasound and everything looks great! Baby has a strong heartbeat and is about the size of a kidney bean. My cervix is measuring about 3 cm and my cerclage appears to be high and tight which is good news. I'm off work today and hopefully will catch up on some z's. Will post more later.

Little Surprises

Yes we are pregnant again! 7 weeks today. Next week we have our first ultra sound to check viability. I previously met with Dr. Hays to discuss our plan for the pregnancy. Nothing out of the norm just yet. Will start progesterone shots beginning week 16 to help with preterm labor and my TAC should do the rest. Dr Hays confirmed the due date is Jan 5 but because of my condition the baby will be delivered by c-section with an estimated date of December 29. Let's hope for a uneventful pregnancy. Hold on tight...December here we come!

Happy Mother's Day

To all beautiful mommies and their little angels. This poem was shared by my Abbylooper sister. xoxo

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?


Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...


If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,


My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"


So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you


So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.


Author Unknown

http://thegriefeffect.blogspot.com/

"Always remind her that she's braver than she believes, stronger than she seems and smarter than she thinks."

Quote of the Day

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving... concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross ~

Change

As I am downloading and listening to music from iTunes I became inspired to write a little in my blog. So much has been on my mind but I haven't made time to express it. Wow, I can't believe its April. It will be 5 weeks since my surgery and I feel great. I am heading back to work on Monday. It was much needed time for healing and reflection. I’ve had a chance to meet some wonderful women who've shared their personal stories...from heartbreak to miracles. I’ve learned we all have a story. One that inspires and touches the heart. But most importantly a story that makes a greater impact on our lives. That impact brings change, a good change, if you choose it to be.


My personal story has brought me inspiration to change. I've watch myself grow in ways I never knew I could. I'd always let fear get in the way. I believe that fear equals failure. Many of us will not change because we are afraid of failing. I 'm here to tell you that sometimes you don't have a choice, fear could smack you in the face at any given moment when you least expect it and you have no choice but to change...will it be good or bad? It's your decision. I made that choice when I lost my son. I could sit in fear for the rest of my life but I knew that is not me. Instead I embraced the fear of change and turned it into something meaningful to myself and others.

Change is good and I need that as part of my healing process…I think we all do at some point in our lives. If you don’t change how do you learn more about yourself and become a better person? For those of you who are planners like me, remember your plan can take a detour at any given moment....mine did. What's next? Well...My change has inspired me to start all over again.

Preventing miscarriages with a new procedure

Preventing miscarriages with a new procedure

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Video of Lap TAC

Warning this might be graphic for some to watch. The link below provides a video of a Lap TAC performed by Dr. Demir.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=630Ax6N6yp0

Update... it's been a little over a week since my surgery and feeling pretty good. I am up and walking and have even left the house. Still not driving, will tackle that next week. It just feels good to relax and catch up on some really good movies.

I also wanted to post info about a sight I found called Abbyloopers.org. This site/group was put together for women who are looking for support and information about the transabdominal cerclage. I think I found my calling....becoming an advocate for other women with IC. This group of women provide amazing support. The stories told are heartbreaking. I ask myself why so many women had to experience multiple losses before a doctor would even consider performing a TAC...but each case and doctor is different. I feel much compassion for other women like me and would do anything to help. A woman should not have to experience multiple losses if there is a procedure that can offer a ninety-five percent chance of carrying to term. Now that is something to be hopeful about!

If there are women out there who have experienced a loss due to IC and have any questions regarding the TAC please feel free to post.

Abdominal Cerclage

To think I was so nervous yesterday and now it's all over. What a relief and another hurdle I have jumped. The surgery was a success. Now just recovering.Took a walk down the hall and back today boy did it hurt like hell...Can't even stand up straight. Good thing Sean was there to help. I am enjoying the quiet time alone watching TV and sleeping. Finally off the liquid diet. Thank gosh for that!!

For those women who are considering the abdominal cerclage as a last resort it is well worth it. The surgery itself is pretty fast and recovery time is about 5 weeks. I will continue to blog for those of you who are interested in my journey and of course to help other women who share the same experiences as me.

A huge "Thank You" to Dr. Gilbert and Sutter Memorial Staff (Sacramento Ca) in Labor and Delivery. You are truly the best around.

There is hope! Sean and I met with Dr. Gilbert at Perinatal Associates last Wednesday to discuss our options for future pregnancies. I am a candidate for the TAC (Trans abdominal cerclage). This procedure is not common and for most woman like me it is a last resort to prevent future losses. Similar to the trans-vaginal cerclage the TAC is placed through the abdominal and is permanent.

Recap, I previously had the trans-vaginal cerclage placed at 19 wks due to cervical incompetence. This diagnosis is rare (occurs in only 1-2% of all pregnancies) and usually is not detected until a woman has experienced a loss during her second trimester . My cerclage failed resulting in premature labor at 24 wks. After experiencing much devastation over the loss of our first child and a 95% success rate we know a TAC is our last option. My surgery is scheduled for March 5 and I am looking forward to many future miracle pregnancies.

I found a great link from Channel 7 news in LA covering a story of a woman who had a successful TAC. Her story touches home. Thought I would share being a strong advocate for this procedure.

http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?section=news/health&id=6608988

I've had much time to reflect on what has happened over the past few months. Spent 5 weeks on bed rest, 3 at home, 2 in the hospital, lost our first born at 24 weeks premature and 3 weeks later my Grandma Huny passed away.

I've felt sad, angry, jealousy, fear and guilt...it's like riding the emotional roller coaster that never stops. Most of these feelings have subsided but of course they will never truly go away. I've found comfort through many things; therapy, writing, religion and stories of women who share the same experiences.

I've thought long and hard about my Catholic roots. I say this because my Grandma Huny was a devoted Catholic. As I watched Huny prepare herself for the next journey in her life I saw no fear only comfort and acceptance. She had something to believe in to help guide the way. As my journey through life is different at this very moment I too must believe that GOD has a plan for Sean and I. Believing helps me put one foot in front of the other each and every day.

I've learned so much from what has happened...one that many may not understand and that is ok. We should appreciate life and the people that surround us. They are gifts! I don't want to sweat the small stuff. I want to embrace the things that truly make me happy like Sean (my hubby), family and friends, Zoey and Sadie (my two labs) and most of all...Life.

I welcome 2010. It's all about new challenges and a happy and healthy new year.